TODAY'S EMAIL HUMOR

HOW TO STAY MARRIED....

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer....... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen!

THE KENTUCKY BARTENDER

A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.

While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political
ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone,
"Hillary is a horse's rear end!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18
inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his
stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to
the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"

SPELLING TO GET INTO HEAVEN

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

SO! WHAT CAUSED THE MARKET TO PLUMMET?

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Me and Andy Rooney

The thoughts of Andy Rooney have been floating around on the Internet for years. Are they truly Andy's thoughts? I don't know. I haven't checked them out.
They may be some new thoughts added to old thoughts attributed to Andy. They may be just thoughts of some folks who wanted to sound off, using Andy Rooney's name, and admitting that it sure sounds like Andy Rooneyism.

I'm putting in a few of mine....and borrowing a few from what was supposedly said by Andy. I hope he doesn't mind. I hope you don't mind.

I watched the Oscar show on ABC. No real thoughts on the awards, winners, presenters, or the host. What I enjoyed most was the commercials. Much better than the ones on this year's Super Bowl show.

Congrats to Al Gore - “Inconvenient Truth” won an Oscar for best documentary!

Garland, Texas doesn't have a full time Post Master. We have an interim chief.
The last one left town and returned to the Carolinas; his wife insisted on in. Probably too many rednecks in Texas.
Strange as it seems to me, the last Post Master was an Egyptian National and was not a citizen of the U. S. of A. Perhaps with the next appointment, the Post Master General, John E. Potter, can find a suitable American for the position.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

And if you don't like my point of view, tough...