Saturday, August 02, 2008

THE SATURDAY FUNNIES!!!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.


In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
***********************************************************************************
Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? A: Because it only attacks the brain.
***********************************************************************************

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor.
***********************************************************************************

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,
approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy,
can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend
it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?"
asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees,
would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a
home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for
the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't
your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her
to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf!"
*********************************************************************************

DAMN, I'TS GOOD TO BE A MAN!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000, Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes
Damn, it's Good to be a Man

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